A Little History: School, Goths, and Grown-Ups

What seems like a long time ago I was grade school student. I am sure that someday...those days will seem ever like they are walking away from me. I have always had a loving and supportive family. I have never been abused, molested, or the victim of second hand domestic violence. Yes, I have had struggles and many such as a simple result of my youth. I have also, however, always been respected as one with an older mind. I observed the violence, insolence, and disrespect that student's have for one another firsthand.

I rode on the bus everyday with a six-year-old kid whose language would make your grandmother blush. I was often in physical confrontations with some of my peers. When I was eleven I heard one of my classmates call one of my "sempai" (elder student) a whore, and vividly describe her anatomy. I was teased for my weight, and my "yankee" heritage from age 9. These were all things that were outside of my control, but they made me bitter, angry, and ready to hand out justice...I wasn't the only one either

My rather dark outlook on life flowed into my writing and poetry...which my teachers called...beautiful. The bloody battle, and loss of a unicorns life....The revenge of an abused kid on his mother....The wounds of a soldier......the innocence of a young girl: shattered. I sought to give voice to something that I saw, and never truly understood until many years later.

My family perceived my participation in the Gothic subculture as a phase, or something that I needed to overcome. I think I understand their concern better than I used to. It was about the costuming as a kid because that is how I identified with the anger, pain, and art inside of me, and it is how I supported my friends who often suffered unspeakable wrongs. Some of my sentiments were right, and of course some of it was wrong....believe it or not we were also pretty evenly split between Christian believers, and out-and-out Atheists. (Thus how we got both Skillet, Thousand Foot Krutch, Korn and Marilyn Manson all in the mix- not a lot of middle of the road kind of people)

In adulthood I have seen immense legacies of both overcoming, and failure from the formerly "Gothic" community. I have seen one girl rise from being abused to being a happily married wife, and successful business woman. I have seen a man study hard to reach the "at risk" youth of the east coast with all of his time and passion. I have seen another go on to become a military wife and proud mother, and yet another young man to seek out ways to help men overcome perversion.

It is more often than not that the people who haunt my past have gone on to be sound, thought provoking, and successful people. However, I will not say that I have not seen some fall to sex, drugs, and the like to "escape" their reality( and it takes quite a voice to reach them.) In some cases I have seen the pattern of abuse continue as some succumb. It is tragic to have seen some people follow the very things that they fought so hard against in their youth.

I must say that those who were the most outlandish in their appearance were often victims, either passive or active, of some type of abuse. This was not every case I am sure, but in my circle it seemed like the more elaborate the mask, the deeper the pain ran and as that pain, anger, sorrow, or rejection was resolved....in many cases so were the layers of paint..dye..leather...polish...and poetry.

You may not recognize many of us as "Gothic" anymore, but we are out there- most all dress casual, and jeans..You may not recognize us...for the smiles, faith, and families that many of us now have. But we know who we were, what we went through, and would never deny that it is a part of who we have become.

I want my readership to know that if you need an ear we [My Husband, Myself, and God] are here to listen...whatever your story may be, or whatever background or blemish you think you may have. We won't judge you, and will answer any questions that you have without hesitation....unfiltered. God has called us to reach the world, and the only way to reach anyone is to reach out and touch them in some way.

 

The biggest thing that I needed healing from in all of this was rebellion. That voice that calls you to do something simply because it is contrary to public opinion...because it looks cool, or because it gives you an adrenaline rush. This is something that God has freed me from, and the change was almost immediate. 

 Everyone chooses a path in life--even as a kid, and although I would not necessarily call myself a Goth now I do not regret that aspect of my past. I actually regret very little, because if it were not for my experiences, choices, and passions I might not be the person that you know today.

I would also like to thank those in my family who, even though they have not always understand the things that I have done, have supported me through it all. Also how they always made an effort to point me in the right direction...and how they love me unconditionally-even when they disagree with some of my decisions.

I love you all, and I pray that God blesses everything that you put your hands to.

Thank you so much for your interest!

God Bless,

Ashley

One for the Men

There has been a not insignificant amount of hostility towards Liberty University for its recent choice in visiting speakers. Among these speakers, iconic pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church out of Seattle, Washington. (Who was rumored to have been rejected by the Liberty Board of Trustees, however that was not the case according to a press release from the school.)

He has a lot to say about the role of men at home and in the church. Like the review on my last blog, he promotes masculinity for men and femininity for women. I have seen a lot of hateful remarks about his statements that oppose effeminate behavior in the church. Students, professors, journalists, locals, and citizens of the internet alike all have an opinion to share, and mostly in opposition.

I think that there are a lot of people here who really don't get what has happened. Everyday we are being told not to harass the homosexuals. The media tells us that if we are not supportive of a homosexual lifestyle that we are bigots. Christians are considered to be close-minded and full of hate.

As a Christian I am offended by these messages. I have friends who are homosexual that respect my faith in Christ and don't belittle me for it. Neither do I discount them as friends whom I love and care about. This whole "if you are not supportive of gay rights then you are committing hate" is an utter farce. (None of these friends actually consider the homosexual political agenda to be making their lives any better, and in some cases it is making matters worse.)

When GLBT activists want to use the public schools and America's youth as a political springboard that is recognized as an acceptable cause (e.g., The Day of Silence), even though such a holiday provided motive to alienate, and victimize Christian students. However, if there was a call to support straight students, Biblical or otherwise, they would be cut off at the ankles and left to bleed. They would be called intolerant while being themselves victimized. Such students supporting traditional gender roles would be called bigoted, horrible, hypocritical and heartless. Is this not creating victims and then sealing their mouths shut? Lastly I think that it is horrible that these adult matters are being championed through children...children as young as 6 or 10 who have no or very little understanding of the situation however right or wrong it may be.

However, with the constant bombardment of the homosexual political propaganda, and targeted gay marketing, is it any wonder that our men are becoming more effeminate even if they are straight? Men are harassed for their masculinity by homosexual activists who call themselves victims. I believe that those who would call themselves masculine are becoming more and more silenced as their manliness comes under attack. 

I know of more than a few men who share Driscoll's sentiment. These men are tired of being called predators and as a result of years of pent-up restraint I promise we will see more of this sort of justified rage. I have to wonder why believers do not see conformity to society's love for the effeminate as offensive? 

I know for a fact that even some homosexual men are offended by this because not all gays are effeminate either, as the media would have us believe. So why are some of our pastors and worship pastors conforming to this effeminate metro-sexual image, and projecting themselves in such a manner?

*I am not saying that there should be a witch hunt on homosexuals. What I am saying is that we are passively allowing the effeminate to be glorified in our society while diminishing the value of masculinity.*

*I am also not saying that I agree with everything that these charismatic individuals have to share. Rather that we should respond, not by throwing stones at people who challenge us, but to consider such things rationally first.*

Masculinity & Femininity in Worship

 Today I was involved in a little bit of a debate involving the position of men, and masculinity in church service related worship. The writer Doug Wils discussed a concern for the loss of masculinity in the church. In his post he created a list that was a bit abrasive in its delivery, but did manage to make a valid point. I have observed both in his reader's responses, and in the responses I noted on Facebook that there was a misunderstanding of his topic: Effeminate behavior. This was not a slight of the role that women play in worship, but rather a call to recognize the loss, or criminalization of masculinity.

I actually agree with what Doug was attempting to get across. Many modern churches accommodate an effeminate mentality. (Although Doug is a little excessive with his list.) the point is that his fellow Christians are going to ream him out rather than respect his opinion. I do want to point out that he didn't say that femininity is a bad thing...simply that there is a lack of masculinity in the church. I think a great resource, that paints a little bit of a better example, is "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge....

In the argument there was an assumption that masculinity is only considered akin to the "Braveheart" mentality. The Braveheart, 300, Gladiator, kind of masculinity where men are warriors, and defenders of their loved ones. I feel like David is an excellent Biblical example of masculinity and faith. People tend to focus only on the fact that David was a psalmist, and worshiped with beautiful language, and an honest heart. I love David as an example of creative musical worship, but he was not only a musician. 

People tend to forget that David was a warrior, and that sometimes God would put a call on him and others to go to war to defend their families, and faith. These wars were not fought with words-they were bloody and violent. Take the story of Goliath's fall...it has been simplified for the teaching of children so as not to jade them with the violence of what David accomplished. (Showing a shot of a young child hitting Goliath in the head with a stone, and essentially causing him to "pass out.") This is a great introductory for children to learn about David. However, the biblical account says that David was a young man (not a child) and that he stunned Goliath with one stone, and then proceeded to decapitate Goliath with the giant's own sword and carried the head around as a trophy of sorts. 

This was an act of obedience and worship to God. The honoring of God, the defense of his family, and in the end the celebration of victory, through God, is all part of worship. I would say that it is acceptable for men in church to worship emotionally, but it is a great disservice to men to discount a warrior spirit of worship. Not to say we should burst into bloody wars during church, but that a battle cry amongst our men to defend Faith in Christ is something that could inspire a fiery passion for God.

On of the responders to Doug's post, Valerie, noted some very interesting thoughts in the interest of complimenting femininity and masculinity in worship.

 Valerie posted this on her blog and I have re-posted this below. If you would like to follow her blog you can access it from the link in this sentence.

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1 Samuel 2 was where my bookmark was this morning. As I read Hannah’s song of thanksgiving, I thought of the hymns of other women in the Bible: Miriam, Deborah, and Mary. (Did I miss any?) So I read them all and jotted down these reflections (edited for public consumption):

• Exodus 15:21 – Miriam’s brief hymn is sung in response to Moses’ longer song. Her song is responsive, not initiative. The occasion was not formal worship, in which case she wouldn’t have been soloing at all. She sings of Yahweh’s violent triumph over the chariots of Egypt.
• Judges 5 — Deborah and Barak’s song is, again, not in the context of worship, but public celebration. Deborah does not lead out on her own, even despite Barak’s less-than-exemplary manliness in the previous chapter. She sings of Yahweh’s marching, which shook the earth. She sings of His fighting the enemies of His people. She rejoices in the death of His enemies.
• 1 Samuel 2:1-10 — Hannah’s song is a personal exultation in Yahweh. She speaks boldly against her enemies because she has Yahweh’s salvation to rejoice in. She rejoices in Yahweh’s triumphs over His enemies by which He delivers His people, and she draws strength and courage from that. In Hannah’s case the enemy wasn’t a mighty army, but a petty personal adversary, but she speaks in strong military terms of how Yahweh put Peninnah in her place. She rejoices that God is the Judge of the whole earth.
• Luke 1: 46-45 – Mary, again in a private context, also rejoices in God as Savior, exulting in His triumph and judgment.

That gives us a few ideas of what feminine worship should look like:

• It doesn’t barge ahead of male leadership.
• It rejoices in God’s judgment, even when it’s violent.
• It is safe and secure in the knowledge of his powerful salvation.

So when wise men write against effeminate worship, they aren’t bashing women at all, because effeminate worship is nothing like feminine worship. Effeminate worship denies male leadership, downplays God’s judgment, and leaves women insecure under the ill-conceived notion that it’s better if both God and men are too nicey-nice to defend or protect them.

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Obedience

When God gives you the green light to do something that he has called you to it will be confirmed. When I took the first step of this journey I was concerned about taking the right steps at the right time. I jumped off two and a half weeks ago and I have received comment after comment about how this is what God wants us to do. The greatest of which has come from people who do not know who we are, or what God has asked of us.

Friday morning I spoke with a man who I have not talked to in a very long time. I did mention that I was following God into a new direction and explained a little bit about our goals, and dreams. He came right out and told me that we are right for following God in this situation. You know that something is real when you are talking to someone who could not possibly be aware of your situation who comes right out and tell you what is going on. I have confidence in what God has asked of me and I will not doubt.

Today was the Jumping off point and I am so grateful for the love, and support of my co-workers. I have never been more sad to leave a job, and of my own decision at that. However, God has already shown himself in little and interesting ways. 

This past weekend I traveled home to my family (who I dearly love) in Tennessee for my birthday.  I received two gift cards as presents, a card to Target, and Khols. Although I do not shop at these locations often they have some wonderful products that I have been looking forward to getting. When I got off work this evening I was wondering what God is going to do next. Gary, and some of my wonderful co-workers helped me load my office belongings into my vehicle. Upon entering the car Gary showed me a couple of coupons that we received in the mail. There were only two coupon booklets, and they came from Target and Khols. The booklet for Target has a special on delicious items, and Khols on ladies clothing & accessories. I find this to be just another fascinating  way that God has shown us that he knows what we have, what we need and provides for us. 

*Reminder* 

My husband, and I are not the only ones who are provided for in this world. Christ has promised to take care of those who have a relationship with Him. This promise can be found in Luke 12:27-40 in its entirety. I have included the New King James Version of this passage below for you. However, I would encourage you to read this on your own. God has challenged us to take him at his word both here and in James 4:2 where he clearly states that we do not have what we desire because we neglect to ask. No matter how much we fight for something be it position, recognition, objects, safety, or money we will not find these things until we seek God in them, and honor God through them.

Luke12:27-40

²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ²⁸ If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?

²⁹ “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. ³⁰ For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. ³¹ But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things^[a] shall be added to you.

³² “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. ³³ Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. ³⁴ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

(Man who missed out because of his attachment to possessions : Matthew 19:16-22)

Freedom in God is realizing that we have nothing without Him, and need not worry about our possessions. Realize that the longer we hold onto something in fear...the longer we will suffer. The moment that we let go, no matter how reluctantly, the sooner healing can begin. I know that my decision may appear flawed to some, but I am completely confidant in God, and have faith that no matter what I will have no Need to fear.

Gasoline

The past couple of days have made me a little nervous about what is to come. For three days I have been driving on an empty tank of gas. However, with a little bit coming from here and there I have made it to and from work everyday without any trouble.

Yesterday I was speaking with one of my co-workers about our decision to cancel the bankruptcy that we were originally pursuing. Another thing that God made clear to us was that we are going to pay back our current debts. A few weeks ago the first request for payment rolled in and we were able to discuss payback with them. The representatives we spoke with were all very kind and helpful. Everyone was surprised that we had any kind of desire to pay back the amounts that we owe. Tuesday I spoke with another company that I had been in excellent standing with before I lost my job in the spring of two-thousand and eleven. Even after being delinquent for many months they told me that if I could pay them $108 by this upcoming Friday that I would return to good standing with them and only owe a base amt of $25 a month (which is incredible). There is only one company I have not heard back from yet, and that is the monster company that originally sank us. I am glad that I have not heard from them just yet.

The co-worker I was talking with is a woman of God who has encouraged me in this decision. I was speaking with her about it briefly and how God has come through in little ways here and there ever since I put in my two-weeks-notice. We are both confidant that since it is God who asked us to follow him then we will be okay. At the end of our conversation I mentioned that my gas tank had even been holding out for days, and that I wasn't sure how, but I was confidant that I would make it home that evening. The woman, who is also trusting God for many things, assisted me with enough to make it until tomorrow, my last official payday. Also another delightful co-worker of mine overheard the end of our conversation and had her husband bring a gallon of gasoline to put in my car to be sure that I would make it to the gas station. I made it, and everything is okay.

Please continue to pray for us as we move into this time of uncertainty, and decision. We are both going to be taking heavy courseloads this summer. I am trying to decide if I would like to keep my semester long course with 2 on campus intensives, or if I should pick up a third intensive as advised by the Ethnomusicology department. (In fact they say we can take all four required intensives in one summer, but I feel that would be excessive.) I need to make this decision very soon, so any and all prayer is helpful.

Gary just submitted his Academic Suspension appeal, and has been granted the ability to continue taking classes. The Academic appeal was granted, and he has been accepted into the AA: Business as an online student.He should be able to complete the two-year degree in one or two semesters. He may have the first degree as early as December, or as late as next May. Please pray for him as well as he makes a decision on what courses to attend this summer as well.

Thank you for your support,

Ashley Watts

No Fear

When I made the decision to follow Gods voice I was fearful. I was uncertain as to how he would provide, but confidant in my needs. I put off handing in my resignation at work due to such fears. However, God took the time to remind me of what he has done for me, and of a promise that I made to him a long time ago.

In 2005 I worked at a summer camp in Maryland where I learned many great things about obedience. A gentleman named Alex was looking for answers, and where God was at in his life. God nudged me to pray for and encourage him. I refused, citing my own attraction to the boy as a reason not to step up. When that summer came to a close I came face to face with a devastating realization. Alex came forward and honored the people who had ultimately come forward and prayed with him that first evening. He said that he had reached a difficult point in his understanding of God, and that their support and love in that time was dearly appreciated. 

I denied God, and in doing so, myself, of an opportunity to impact someones life with my pathetic excuses. From that day forward I promised God that I would never say "no" to him again. 

In my comfort I knew that God's voice was calling me to leave my job recently. Unlike any other call I have had in my life since that night; this was a challenge. I have been troubled, and distressed over this request for weeks. But, God brought my promise to mind and, although afraid, I put in my two weeks notice last Wednesday. Now I am waiting for my last day with Liberty University's Online Academic Advising to end. I know that God is going to do something incredible, I don't know what, but I am sure that it will become clear in due time.

Since making the decision God has reminded me to be confidant, and not to doubt. Doubt and fear could rob me of his promises and drive me to make plans. Plans that would take me away from what He has asked me to do.

God has asked us (my husband and I) to walk this, the City of Lynchburg, to claim every step for Him. To put a strong effort into my study to pursue my MA: Ethnomusicology towards becoming a Professor. Gary is called to pursue his AA and BS in Business to work towards an eventual MBA to pursue college administration. My husband and I are both going to walk Lynchburg, and anyone who knows this call is welcome to join. We are called to do this with boldness and without fear-which is why I am telling you these things today. 

Anyone who does not feel called to join us is welcome to support us through prayer. You can support us with whatever by sending support to student alhawkins@liberty.edu-Ashley Lynn Hawkins. We are trusting God to provide everythingthing-Food, Clothing, Travel, Research, Tuition/fees. (In detail passport, visa, plane tickets, rent/utilites, classes including online and residential intensive courses.) We are praying that God will allow us to complete our educations, and educational requirements without incurring any further debts.

Bible Verses that have lead me this week. Feel free to look them up:

All of Micah 6-

message: I am going to give you what I promise, but as a warning follow me or you will not have the very things you strive for.

All of Deuteronomy 28-

message: I am going to bless you for listening to me.

Habakkuk 2:2-3

message: Write down the Vision-so that those who see it will also carry it out (why this note is here)

Hebrews 11:1- Faith is the substance of hope, and the realization of things not seen.

Isaiah 54:17-No weapon forged against us will succeed.

James 4:2-You do not have because you do not ask

Psalm 91- God will protect you. No matter how your enemies surround you-they will not harm you.