What seems like a long time ago I was grade school student. I am sure that someday...those days will seem ever like they are walking away from me. I have always had a loving and supportive family. I have never been abused, molested, or the victim of second hand domestic violence. Yes, I have had struggles and many such as a simple result of my youth. I have also, however, always been respected as one with an older mind. I observed the violence, insolence, and disrespect that student's have for one another firsthand.
I rode on the bus everyday with a six-year-old kid whose language would make your grandmother blush. I was often in physical confrontations with some of my peers. When I was eleven I heard one of my classmates call one of my "sempai" (elder student) a whore, and vividly describe her anatomy. I was teased for my weight, and my "yankee" heritage from age 9. These were all things that were outside of my control, but they made me bitter, angry, and ready to hand out justice...I wasn't the only one either
My rather dark outlook on life flowed into my writing and poetry...which my teachers called...beautiful. The bloody battle, and loss of a unicorns life....The revenge of an abused kid on his mother....The wounds of a soldier......the innocence of a young girl: shattered. I sought to give voice to something that I saw, and never truly understood until many years later.
My family perceived my participation in the Gothic subculture as a phase, or something that I needed to overcome. I think I understand their concern better than I used to. It was about the costuming as a kid because that is how I identified with the anger, pain, and art inside of me, and it is how I supported my friends who often suffered unspeakable wrongs. Some of my sentiments were right, and of course some of it was wrong....believe it or not we were also pretty evenly split between Christian believers, and out-and-out Atheists. (Thus how we got both Skillet, Thousand Foot Krutch, Korn and Marilyn Manson all in the mix- not a lot of middle of the road kind of people)
In adulthood I have seen immense legacies of both overcoming, and failure from the formerly "Gothic" community. I have seen one girl rise from being abused to being a happily married wife, and successful business woman. I have seen a man study hard to reach the "at risk" youth of the east coast with all of his time and passion. I have seen another go on to become a military wife and proud mother, and yet another young man to seek out ways to help men overcome perversion.
It is more often than not that the people who haunt my past have gone on to be sound, thought provoking, and successful people. However, I will not say that I have not seen some fall to sex, drugs, and the like to "escape" their reality( and it takes quite a voice to reach them.) In some cases I have seen the pattern of abuse continue as some succumb. It is tragic to have seen some people follow the very things that they fought so hard against in their youth.
I must say that those who were the most outlandish in their appearance were often victims, either passive or active, of some type of abuse. This was not every case I am sure, but in my circle it seemed like the more elaborate the mask, the deeper the pain ran and as that pain, anger, sorrow, or rejection was resolved....in many cases so were the layers of paint..dye..leather...polish...and poetry.
You may not recognize many of us as "Gothic" anymore, but we are out there- most all dress casual, and jeans..You may not recognize us...for the smiles, faith, and families that many of us now have. But we know who we were, what we went through, and would never deny that it is a part of who we have become.
I want my readership to know that if you need an ear we [My Husband, Myself, and God] are here to listen...whatever your story may be, or whatever background or blemish you think you may have. We won't judge you, and will answer any questions that you have without hesitation....unfiltered. God has called us to reach the world, and the only way to reach anyone is to reach out and touch them in some way.
The biggest thing that I needed healing from in all of this
was rebellion. That voice that calls you to do something simply because
it is contrary to public opinion...because it looks cool, or because it
gives you an adrenaline rush. This is something that God has freed me
from, and the change was almost immediate.
Everyone chooses a path in life--even as a kid, and although I would not necessarily call myself a Goth now I do not regret that aspect of my past. I actually regret very little, because if it were not for my experiences, choices, and passions I might not be the person that you know today.
I would also like to thank those in my family who, even though they have not always understand the things that I have done, have supported me through it all. Also how they always made an effort to point me in the right direction...and how they love me unconditionally-even when they disagree with some of my decisions.
I love you all, and I pray that God blesses everything that you put your hands to.
Thank you so much for your interest!
God Bless,
Ashley
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